Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dirty Laundry

So tonight I got the news that a former classmate of mine had passed away last night. The fellow was a nice guy, or at least he was 15 years ago, the last time I saw him. We were in the same class at school from 5th-12th grades. I didn't know him very well, but he was a nice guy. Age 32 is awfully young to die. Especially from complications from the flu. My heart aches for his family right now.
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And it makes me think of my own mortality, and the frailty of life in general. The sermon at church today was about judgement, and the minister was urging us to confess our sins and seek forgiveness while there is time. What are the things in my life that I need to change? What do I need to confess? What is it that I have on my record that I have yet to ask forgiveness for?
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I think of my former classmate, how he died sick and alone. No one even knew he was gone, until his mother went to check on him this morning. I can't help but wonder what he might have done differently during his final hours on this earth, if he'd have known that they would be his last.
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When I get ready to go on a trip, I take into consideration the state of my home before I leave. I try to make sure that it's tidy, in case a family member or friend needs to stop in for something while I'm gone. And as morbid as it may sound, I also think about, "What if I never make it back?" Can you ever really fully prepare for that?
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I think about things that I should do or clean or get rid of around the house because of how embarrassed I'd be if anyone else saw. Like making sure that my laundry is all done up, so there's no dirty undies left behind, or cleaning out the refrigerator so no one sees my penicillin factory. Weird stuff like that. Although, if something were to happen to me, I do hope I'd have better things to do than to sit around in heaven worrying about the laundry that was still in the hamper when I left.
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What I really hate to think about are the things that might embarrass me when I'm called on the carpet on Judgement Day. I don't wanna be the one smacking myself in the head saying, "Doh! Why'd ya go an' do that?!" No, I don't wanna be that person... but I do it all the time. I make stupid mistakes. I screw up, sometimes just a little, and sometimes a LOT. And as much as I like to joke around and be anything BUT serious, this is a pretty serious subject, now isn't it?
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The only thing I know to do is to cut it out. I've got to make right whatever is wrong, and then I've got to stop messing up so much. I'm 32 years old, and although that feels young and seems young, there is no way to know when my time will be up, and that will be that. No more chances to go back and say I'm sorry and ask forgiveness. Forget about the dirty laundry, I've got a soul to worry about. Not to mention all the little souls that call me "Mom".
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It's time for letting go All of our "if onlies"
Cause we don't have a time machine
And even if we did Would we really want to use it
Would we really want to go change everything
Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
the miracle of the moment.

There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment
we can do anything about

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go Let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go
And listen to your heartbeat


And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now (here and now)
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
the miracle Of the moment.
(Steven Curtis Chapman - This Moment, 2007)

1 comment:

you can call me tennessee said...

i read this, and i don't really know what to say because it's just so well written and honest...
but i guess i just wanted to let you know that i did read it, and i love you, and that i'm glad you're my "stister".